My bread and butter ship is an Akula Dreadnaught.
Just a couple of months ago we got a new hero ship, it sealed the deal on the Founder's Pack for me. Yeah, it was money I probably didn't need to spend, and it was mostly parts recycled from the Zmey, but I love me some cosmetics so I figured... why not? It's not like we'll see be seeing another Akula Dreadnaught anytime soon.
Ha. Ha. Ha.
So now, now y'all come out with ANOTHER Akula Dreadnaught Hero Ship. One with sleek lines and an absurd new hood ornament and that sexy looking undercarriage you know I like.
And don't think I don't see what's going on here: I am being personally targeted. Don't bother trying to deny it, and don't apologize, I'm too angry to hear it.
All I want to know is why? What happened? What happened between us? Did I wrong you somehow? Did I slight you? What did I do to deserve this?
Are you testing me? Probing my willpower? Or did you already know that I'm an easy mark? Had you seen how much time I spent fussing around with the parts on my ships? Had you noticed I'd stopped? That I was finally satisfied? That I was finally content?
I've only got so much discretionary income and I've got to eat, you bastards. My cats need to eat, and they only eat the good stuff, stuff that comes from a bag with a painting of a cougar on it.
Why do you hate my cats Devs? Why do you want Juliette and Poppy to starve?
Are you trying to get me off the sauce? Do you know how much liquor costs in Canada? Have my teammates been complaining about how often I start a match with a hearty cheers from 'The Captain's Special Reserve?'
I just got a personal trainer, I'd started working out, I was improving myself. Are you trying to teach me a valuable lesson about budgeting? About priorities? About what really matters in life?
Well nice try Devs, but the joke's on you, I refuse to learn anything from my mistakes, and I'm buying that hero ship. Nice try, but you can't hustle a hustler.
I don't fly Corvettes if I can help it, so maybe next time put out a couple of heroes of those and we can avoid another uncomfortable talk like this.
I'm not angry, just disappointed in you. And also angry.
Sincerely,
Jack Rapture
P.S.
And keep that Hactar on the Playstation and far far away from me. Juliette and Poppy need their cougar food!
